Muscle Mania
by Spooks Apprentice
Summary: Arya loves muscles and is in need of a muscly man, but Eragon isn't muscly enough for her. What will Eragon do? And who is the guy that Arya decides is muscular enough for her? And what's with applesauce muffin guns?


**This is a pretty random story. You've been warned… Enjoy!**

**I don't own anything about Eragon.**

Arya stood in front a mirror flexing her muscles. She looked critically at them. They weren't big enough for her liking. They needed to get bigger, so she could look better, since in her point of view, muscles meant everything.

Eragon looked at his body too. He had been drinking. He was jealous of Saphira because she had scales. He wanted scales too! It wasn't fair. So he decided to do something about it. He went to some random pond and started fishing. He caught heaps of fish (incredibly, considering his drunken state) and skinned the fish, gluing their scales onto himself. Looking in a mirror he decided the scales made him look really good, amazing even. Pleased with his new style, he became unjealous of Saphira.

But Arya was not impressed with his new look. He wasn't muscly enough for her. She also didn't want to kill innocent fish for their scales, it was so ZYACABACTIC. Zyacabactic the is elvish word for cruel. Since Eragon didn't have enough muscles for Arya to consider as a suitable boyfriend she went on a search for the muscliest guy in Alagaesia. Orik. The dwarf of course! He was right under her nose and his knotted dwarf muscles really turned her on. They were bulging, even underneath his Granny's baggy size 58 nightdress. She got down on one knee and proposed marriage to her darling Orik. Orik's eyes bulged out of their muscly sockets in horror.

"Hey, slow down, I've already got a girl." He said, backing away from the love mad elf.

Arya threw herself at him desperately, "But Kiok! You can't do this! I might redraw my offer if you're not careful," she decided.

"Don't call me Kiok," he screamed.

Then Eragon jumped out, he'd been hiding behind a rather large decorative toothpick.

"Don't you even look at her Orik, she's mine!" he yelled.

Arya looked absolutely disgusted, "You are a poofie, little, stagnant piece of insignificant dough. But Orik," she drawled, "is a big hunkie cookie."

Eragon burst into tears. Orik, however, fainted with the shock of being called a cookie, the most sexy, provocative thing he'd ever been called. Arya screamed, worried that something dreadful had happened to Orik. Eragon, still crying a bit, grasped Arya and said, "I'll get muscles, I'll take 25'000 steroids a day to get muscles!"

"I only like natural ones; you'll need to start working out if you want to get me."

"I'll work even harder, Oromis doesn't get me to spar as much as I'd like. He want's me to mind control poor, baby ants instead."

"Like, duh, mind controlling ants is a really important skill for a rider."

"That's a matter of opinion. You elves are all mind controlling so and so's." Eragon retorted.

"You mind control just as much as we do so you can't talk." Arya snapped, poking her tongue out at Eragon in defiance.

Eragon looked really sad and the put his thumb in his mouth and started to cry again.

"No Arya, don't say that," he whispered and collapsed in despair. Her words stung harder then a bee. He was coming dangerously close to a mental breakdown. Arya felt a small ounce of compassion towards the desperate guy come into her heart. She reached out and touched his shoulder. She immediately got an electric zap. Yes, that's right, an electric zap. She was stunned. So was Eragon.

"You…you…touched me?!" Eragon gasped, wiping the tears out of his eyes.

"Yes, I realize that you are a good person and you are my friend. You will be a great rider and a much wiser person then I am. I do like you, Eragon."

"DO YOU???" Eragon squealed in delight.

"Yes, I like you when you're not with me."

Just as she said that, Orik stirred, moaned and sat up. Arya cried joyously and started smothering him in hugs and kisses. Eragon groaned sadly. He was starting to feel sick. Arya's way of showing her love was getting on his nerves. Maybe it was good that she didn't like him.

Orik shuddered, "Leave me alone, I don't like elves and I don't like you. Elves are sad, lame, losers while dwarves are awesome. Our two races don't mix.

Arya took Orik's little speech as a sign of his undying love for her. He was only pretending to hate her, she decided, because he was too scared to show his true feelings to her. All he needed was a little bit of encouragement to overcome his fears. So she pulled out an Elvin ring that she had made and, grabbing Orik's beefy hand, proposed marriage again, shoving the ring on his finger. Orik quickly pulled it off, angrily declining her offer.

Eragon was quick to congratulate Orik on his wise decision. He was seriously wondering why he ever liked Arya. He sighed with recognition. He hadn't liked Arya for her, but for her looks. Now his eyes were opened he realized how much better off he'd be as a bachelor for the rest of his days. Jumping with joy at his new decision he gave the decorative toothpick a hug and started dancing with it.

Arya and Orik looked on at the spectacle in concern. Had Eragon finally lost it? Arya went to him a grabbed his thumb and checked it for a heartbeat. Arya had never learned about where you were supposed to check for a pulse because elves weren't taught such menial things. So all she discovered was that Eragon had a very hot thumb.

She looked at his thumb it wonder. It was soooooooo beautiful. It had this drop dead gorgeous tan with manliest calluses ever. She loved his thumb so much that she wanted to cut it off and keep it as a lucky charm. She started caressing it.

Eragon looked scared. "What in Hrothgar's game of poker snakes are you doing?"

"I'm going to bite your seriously hot thumb off so it can become my much needed lucky charm."

"Nooo!" He yelled, pulling his thumb away.

Orik lunged at Arya and slapped her. They began fighting.

Orik shouted to Eragon, "Run for the safety of the house of Hrothgar's Guards, companions for his nightly games of poker snakes. They will protect you with their applesauce muffin guns!"

"No, you need my help more then I need applesauce muffin guns. I'll stay with you and fight to the death," Eragon said in his most moving speech ever.

"I love you like a brother," Eragon went on after a pause, "I will never leave you."

The fighting stopped. Orik got up and said in reply to Eragon,

"Yeah, uh, well, er, this may be a bit of a shock, but you see, I am your brother!"

"Really?" Eragon gasped.

"No, I'm only joking, I'm your sister."

"Really?"

"No, I'm your father."

"Really?"

"No, I'm really your mum, this size 58 nightgown is your grandmothers gift to you, not to mention your only inheritance, which I happened to steal." Orik said grinning.

"So, you're my brother, my sister, my dad, my mum and you're wearing my only inheritance which you happened to steal. So why didn't I get big muscles like you, since we're related?" Eragon said, his brain going into overload trying to process all this information. He certainly wasn't the brightest star in the galaxy.

"Hey Eragon, calm down, I'm just kidding."

Arya watched them with a confused look on her face. These guys were weird. But Orik was still sexy… Those muscles… Eragon was a great person, promising rider and good friend, though a bit gullible, but he was nowhere near Orik in wonderfulness… Though Eragon's gorgeous, darling, hottie hot thumb was close, she had to admit.

While Arya was drooling on the sidelines, Orik assured Eragon that they were _not_ related and he wasn't wearing Eragon's only inheritance. The lightbulb in Eragon's head finally clicked on and Eragon, getting the joke, laughed.

"Nice joke! Now Orik, I may as well tell you the good news…" Eragon began but Orik rudely interrupted him.

"Are you having a baby?!" Orik gasped.

"No," Eragon said, shocked, "I've given up on Arya! Not just that, but I've decided to be a bachelor until I meet the right girl. Bachelors are just so cool and I'll have so much fun. I'll be the coolest bloke in the Varden! Anyway, I was wondering if you'd like to be a bachelor with me?"

Orik thought for a minute then agreed to the suggestion, it sounded like a good idea to him. In the space of minutes they both decided to ask Murtagh to join them in their bachelorhood. They sent a messenger to carry their invite to him. Murtagh joyfully accepted and they formed their own little bachelor club. They called themselves The Brothers Grimm Bachelor Boy Band. United in bachelorhood they threw a party and celebrated! (Arya wasn't invited.)

THE END… for now

Epilogue: The Brothers Grimm Bachelor Boy Band started a boy band called The Brothers Grimm. This hot new music group became the most popular band in Alagaesia and their first song went straight to number one! Arya dyed her hair bright orange in mourning because Orik rejected her. Eragon managed to get the fish scales off him. They all lived happily ever after.

**Please review, even if you hated it, I don't care, I like feedback. This is having a sort of sequel that is in the process of being written.**


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